King Of The Headless Selfie!

This was supposed to be a quick post on my Instagram page from a fun photo session, it was fun, one word led to another BAM its an "all or nothing," cathartic and deeply personal blog whilst sitting in a shopping centre. Inspiration hits when it hits. Some hits hurt more than others.

Looks aren't my strong point. I'm not hating myself though, been there with chronic and debilitating depression at the age of 15. I think that started after my 3 month stay in hospital when I was admitted with a highly infectious meningitis. Everyone wore face masks, I couldn't see their facial expressions to see if it was actually all going to be alright. Spinal taps every 3 hours, 24 hours a day, relieving the excess fluid that was making it's way to my brain. I probably would've died without the spinal taps but when specialists, nurses, your mother and your friends can't even touch you to let you feel that things may work out for the best, you are nothing, you are your disease. 

"Meningitis is airborne, just bad luck. You have a 50% chance of never walking again." Walk again? Why would I want to walk when all I wanted/needed to do was to die. Nobody knew about that, why would I want to put them through more bad stuff? Bad things happen to bad people..it "made sense" back then, not so much now. Even now I don't regret wanting to die. I didn't "have the courage" to kill myself (suicide isn't a strength, it isn't a weakness). 

Individually these photos from the past don't say much, collectively they ask "who is this?" Who indeed?

For over 12 months I refused to look into a mirror, why would I want to see that disgusting person looking back at me, why would anyone want to look at me? I couldn't answer my own questions, every time that I drew breath was another second wasted being alive. I strangled myself daily with the bed cover and I held my breathe longer each time. No one knew, I just survived Meningitis, must be that, that made it easier for me. My single mother who barely spoke english, had to learn very quickly in regards to what meningtis was, as well as what was happening to me in the hospital. 

I am at peace with myself now, but I do think of suicide now and again. If ever I did try to kill myself, my "bad luck" would no doubt result in me becoming a quadriplegic and still alive. I thought that I had dealt with all of this years ago as I can't actually commit to suicide. 

My face. I actually like this shot. Shoe shop lighting is amazing. My smile is a real smile, not forced.

I can spend ages in the mirror now, it is just reflective glass. Selfies which actually show my face, take a LOT of work before I can tolerate my face. I don't hate myself, I tolerate myself. And occasionally I want to die, why would I want to see that disgusting person looking back at me?

King M. Rakic

More men die of prostate cancer than women die of breast cancer-Prostate.org.au

November is the month for Movember 

Focusing on prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health and suicide prevention.
Growing a moustache this month and raising funds for the Movember Foundation helps them to help more people. Women can support a moustache or make a commitment to get active and Move for 30 days. Men and women sign up at Movember.com and choose to Grow, Move, or Host.
Conversations with your friends, family and co-workers on how important it is for men to have a prostate and testicular check up and a focus on mental health, as much as you do with your physical health, is important. 

This is a great video-

Suicide Dialogue